If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
