I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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