This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
