So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
