I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
