i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
