How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just cropdusted the office
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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