she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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