happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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