Banned from zoo.
Again?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
