hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he puts the penis in happiness.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
