I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
