so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
zippers are such a cool invention
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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