rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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