No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
