is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
