Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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