I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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