I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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