I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
