Moan for me like Helen Keller
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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