Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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