He is such a slut. More and more my type.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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