Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
