I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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