I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
