either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
