I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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