I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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