Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
