One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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