New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
