I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
