I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
