I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The air was thick with penises
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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