Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
