She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
