Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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