if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
