i don't like sucking hair
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
