its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
