did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
