sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
