I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
