I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
