but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
