Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
