You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i already hear my dad disowning me
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize