Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
whose ass print is on the piano?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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