that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
