Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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